Untitled Noir short

Before Noir stood two entities: a human (an unusual sight amongst the Alliance ranks), and a TV-unit (on whose head-casing was the engraved serial 5022).

"The explanation is simple," replied the human, reaching into their trousers…

"…What do you think you are doing?" asked Noir, "If you're attempting to seduce your way out of this-"

The large cam was interrupted by the sight of the human's trousers squirming in alarming fashion, as the human pulled out… a creature.

"There you are," said the human to the wriggling furry creature. "Sh, stop being silly," said the human softly as they attempted to get the beast to hold still. (The TV-unit's screen flickered with bands of static, as though they were trying not to display any emoticon.)

"Dook," squeaked the beast. It wore a harness, Noir noticed.

"This is a ferret," explained the human. "A domesticated polecat. They can be trained to hunt vermin, and to assist with laying cables. They are natural tunnellers, so they can carry cables through tight spaces - under ceilings, through wall cavities, and so forth. I wanted to try my hand at training a ferret for such tasks. It could prove a useful little helper. Plus, it makes a cute if stinky companion - not that any of you techfolk can even smell it - and it's an obligate carnivore, which means it happily eats skibidi meat."

Noir considered the human's response. There was some logic to what they were saying about cables. "And… you have experience in training these animals?"

"None whatsoever," replied the human cheerfully, "I assumed I'd be able to learn it. …That is my approach to most new tasks, and normally it serves me well."

"Dook," commented the ferret.

"How did you and your ferret end up causing so much damage?" asked Noir. (To his annoyance, the human was right - the ferret was cute.)

"I was training Spaghetti - the ferret - to accept having a line attached to the harness. It's the first part of cable training, you see - the ferret runs through the pipe and lays a nylon guideline, and the guideline can be used to thread a pull-rope, and that gets used to thread the cable."

"Get to the point," said Noir.

"I attached the nylon guideline to Spags's harness-"

"Dook," interrupted Spags.

"-which was attached to a heavy-duty reel. Unfortunately, my previous training was too successful - I've trained Spags to see skibidis as prey, so when one came along, Spags set off in pursuit. I did try to recall him, of course, but to no avail. I normally use food-based incentives to recall Spags, but of course I had nothing more enticing to offer than fresh prey available for chasing, so my calls went unheeded."

"If I've understood," says Noir, "Your ferret pursued the skibidi, pulling the line in the process."

"Exactly so," replied the human.

"I find it hard to believe that just a nylon dragline caused all of that."

"That's because I'm not finished explaining. I had nothing to cut the line with and it was too thin, slippery and fast-moving for me to get a good grip on it to reel it back in, so I released the reel. My thinking was that Spags would then be dragging along a much shorter length of line, instead of a continuously-spooling one. …I did not think that through."

"…I think I see where you're going with this," said Noir. "Unfortunately."

"As one might expect, with the benefit of hindsight, the line simply kept unreeling, and Spags was now dragging a heavy club behind them in the form of the reel base. Plus, the skibidi was in a panic, and ran all over the place in fear. Well, they don't run, they just glide along somehow. You know what the hell I meant. Unfortunately, the skibidi led Spags in a merry chase through the outpost supply shed, smashing through both sets of doors in the process."

"And the explosions?"

"Sparks from the metal reel base being dragged along the ground. Blew up the whole supply shed. In my defence, it was pretty stupid to store those chemicals in such proximity."

"…It would not be stupid if all personnel entering the shed followed the safety guidelines about fire hazards."

"Well, ferrets can't read and skibidis don't care."

Noir looked extremely angry - which was impressive, considering he had no face. "It still doesn't add up," said Noir, "The contents of the shed should not have caused that big an explosion."

"By themselves, they didn't," replied the human. "By misfortune, the supply shed appears to have been built upon a human-made explosive storage site from before the apocalypse. It went Diana Ross."

"…What?"

"'Chain Reaction'. …Ask a speaker about it. They like 80s music."

"I tire of this dancing around the point, human. If there were enough explosives to cause such a big blast, how did you not die in the blast radius?"

"The underground explosives were being stored in a mine. The blast was sufficient to blow out several of the mine supports, causing a collapse - the shockwave from which must have shot out of the main shaft and caused the subsequent landslide."

"And I presume it was this landslide that levelled the comms tower?"

"The very same. Well, that's my explanation. As for how I came here on such short notice… it helps to have a pal who can teleport."

The TV-unit, perhaps wisely, said nothing.

"In my defence," interjected the human, "the landslide appears to have destroyed a skibidi supply pipe. …Kind of embarrassing for the Alliance that they didn't even know that was in the area, don't you think?" The human leaned over the desk at Noir. "Spin that to your advantage. The explosion was a controlled blast, on your orders, to take out the pipeline. The loss of the comms tower is regrettable collateral damage - such is war. The supply shed was to be cleared out first, but when the skibidi appeared you took the opportunity to destroy it, sacrificing the shed, before it could collect any intelligence for the enemy. You get whatever reward for your quick thinking, and I get to keep Spags. I won't take him into any Alliance bases or outposts again… and I won't let on that you didn't already discover the skibidi supply pipeline."

Noir was furious but grudgingly admired how the human had played the cards they'd been dealt. "Just get the ferret out of my sight, and yourself. Dismissed."

"Cygnus, would you do us the honours?" the human asked the TV-unit.

The TV-unit nodded, and they disappeared in a ragged black mist along with the two mammals.